Laughter Is The Best Medicine

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Laughter is the best medicine. We've heard the expression time and again. For decades, researchers have explored how humor helps patients relieve stress and heal.Laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore. Laughter reduces pain, increases job performance, connects people emotionally, and improves the flow of oxygen to the heart and brain.So if (Laughter) does so much lets (Laugh) together. Below are articles, sayings and emails sent to us to make you laugh.

So take time out to laugh!

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

A True Unbeliever

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

A Rose is Just a Rose

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Ain't Too Smart

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

A Fighting Mad Redneck

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly.

Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at John.

This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river.

John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes.

His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign:

"CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

Don't Mess With a Good Christian Woman

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Is a Kiss Just a Kiss?

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Just curious, but why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

Curtis & Leroy Buy a Mule or How the Government Does Business

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."

Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

Limit all US politicians to two Terms.

One in office!

One in prison!

Typographical Error

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 19, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Amish Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number... and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother'.

Grease the Boots

Here is a good one; The teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Color Coded

A ships captain was sailing on the sea during a battle. His mate came up to him and the captain said, "bring me my red shirt".

So, the mate did as the captain said.

After that the mate came up to the captain and said, Why did you say bring me my red shirt"?

The captain said, "Well if i get shot they won't see the blood.

The next day the mate came up to the captain and said, "There are 50 ships on the horizon."

The captain said, "Bring me my brown pants."

Bare With Me

Did you hear about the bear hunter? Well, he was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across a large, trophy sized bear. He raised his rifle and took careful aim. Just as he was about to pull the trigger, the bear turned and began to speak to him!

"Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter," said the bear.

Lowering his rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and then replied, "I want a fur coat."

"Good," said the bear, "that is a negotiable item. I only want a full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a compromise."

They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear walked away, alone. The negotiations had been successful.

The bear had a full stomach, and the hunter had his fur coat!

Looks Are Decieving

A limousine encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Yugo also drove up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the Yugo owner that his was the best car that money could buy.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photo chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof...."

At this point the Yugo owner interrupted.

"But do you have a video in there?"

The light changed at this point, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.

A few days passed by, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the Yugo again. It was pulled over to a side, with the glasses all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the Yugo. After a few moments, the Yugo owner poked his head out (which was dripping with water, by the way!).

"I installed a VCR in my limo", said the businessman proudly.

The Yugo man responded,

"You got me out of the shower for THAT?"

Shoe Strung

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in a shoe store. When the shoe salesman slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of his tie got caught beneath her heel.

Unaware of the salesman's predicament, the lady stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, the salesman found himself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to catch her attention.

"Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE, SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL, SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL. BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER. BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE; YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

A Senior Thought

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

From The Mouth Of Babes

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

The Leaky Pot

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'

The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'

'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the wayyou are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Send this to any or all of your Cracked Pot friends!

Poor Santa Having a Bad Day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

Convention Goers Climb the corporate ladder

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill suggested they break the monotony of the climb by concentrating on something interesting. He would tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim would sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott would tell sad stories the rest of the way.

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I've decided to tell the saddest story first," he cringed. "I left the room key in the car!"

Here's Using the Old Nogen

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Old Cat Tale

Have you heard the story about the famous art collector? He was strolling around downtown when he noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

Many might ignore the scene, but something caused him to look a second time. Almost instantly he recognized the saucer as an extremely old and very valuable piece of pottery, and so he decided to purchase the saucer.

Casually he walked into the store and up to the storeowner, where he offered to buy the cat for two dollars.

"I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale," the storeowner replied.

"Please, I need a cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat," the collector said.

The owner looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said "Sold."

After the famous art collector had received the cat from the owner, the collector said,

"Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The storeowner replied, "I'm sorry sir, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold thirty-five cats."

GED Examination Answers From Some Sixteen Year Olds.
(Genuine Answers)

Q.Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q.Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q.How is dew formed?
A.The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q.What causes the tides in the oceans?
A.The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q.What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A.If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q.In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q.What are steroids?
A.Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope.)

Q.What happens to your body as you age?
A.When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q.What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

Q.Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A.Premature death.

Q.What is artificial insemination?
A.When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. (OUCH!)

Q.How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)

Q.How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised? (e.g. The abdomen)
A.The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..(I'm rolling on the floor laughing!)

Q.What is the fibula?
A.A small lie

Q.What does 'varicose' mean?
A.Nearby.

Q.What is the most common form of birth control?
A.Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q.Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A.The caesarean section is a district in Rome.(Your future doctor)

Q.What is a seizure?
A.A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

Q.What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q.Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A.Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q.Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A.Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q.What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q.What is a turbine?
A.Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

Men Are Just Happier People

Nicknames:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and S_it for Brains.

Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Arguments:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Indians Ask Their New Chief

Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild.

Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service. "Will the winter be bad?" he asks.

"Looks like it," is the answer.

So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. "Are you positive the winter will be very cold?" "Absolutely."

The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?" "I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record."

"How do you know?"

"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

A Couple of Hunters

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them grabs his chest, falls to the ground, and then lies there motionless.

The other hunter calls 911. "My friend won't get up, and I think he's dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, you have to make sure he's dead."

There's a silence... then the operator hears two shots.

The hunter's voice comes back on the line. "Okay, what do I do next?"

little Fire Fighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration... 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

How To Sell Toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's' civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ...

Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a dip & chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog sh_t!" Then I would say,"It is dog sh_t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shi_ty for free, and then making you pay to get the shi_ty taste out of your mouth."

The Blonde Teenager

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer , decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes' the blonde replied 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't nearly as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't nearly as dumb as most folks think.

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a police officer came in for a haircut and, when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The officer was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

A Congressman came in for a haircut and, when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high s o I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . .'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

Smart Little Girl

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know sh_t?

A Childs Wisdom

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

"Le-a"

How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a"

Leah?

No Lee-A?

Nope Lay-a?

No Lei?

Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha." When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

So, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

Plug In Your Brain

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

Knuckle-Head

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

I was Buzzing Along

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

Say What?

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Give Me the Lettuce

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

Deer Smarts

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

McDonald's Take-Out

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

They Walk Among Us!

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

Power Me Up

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made atthat time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

Four Cats...

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal pile of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was pretty good!

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'coffee Break, do your stuff.' Coffee Break jumped to his feet....... ate the cookies..... drank the milk....... sh-t on the paper....... screwed the other three cats....... claimed he injured his back while doing so........ filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... put in for Workers' Compensation.....and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,’ Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?' She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'

Smart Little Cookie

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside? Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky..

Tommy: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

Teacher: Did you see God up there? Tommy: No.

Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

Tommy, do you see the tree outside? Tommy: Yes.

Little Girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside? Tommy: Yessssss!

Little Girl: Did you see the sky? Tommy: Yessssss!

Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Tommy: Yes.

Little Girl: Do you see her brain? Tommy: No.

'For We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight'
II Corinthians 5:7

Little Girl: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!

God Is Watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

The Stuff Kids Say

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

Ouch That Hurt!

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

Out of the Mouth of Babes

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

Brothers and Sisters

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

I'm Drawing God

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

You gotta love Frank

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home....and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!

In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawer, judge banged his gavel declaring,"case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.

The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.

The judge leaned forward and calmly said, counsel and your client are woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

For atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

GOD Is Busy

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments.

He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real then I want you to knock me off this platform.

I'll give you exactly 15 min.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,'here I am GOD, I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What In the world is the matter with you? 'Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot, so He sent me.'

The class room erupted in cheers!

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toliet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duck Tape. If it dosen't move and should, use the WD-40. It shouldn't move and does, use the Duck Tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got a electrical problem.

Only Kidding but We All Have Thought About It!

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Men be Careful What You Wish For.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.He wanted her to see what he went through so her to see what he went through so he prayed:'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and putin 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

God, in his infinite wisdom,granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman...He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, made a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1 P.M.and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh Lord, please, let us trade back... Amen! The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'

$100.00 Slow Day In Texas

It's a slow day in a little east Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....On this particular day a rich tourist from back East is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States government is conducting business today.

Genesis 1:29 "And God said, 'Behold I have given every herb-bearing seed which is upon the face of all the earth and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed: to you it shall be for meat'."

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